Forgiving isn’t something you do for someone else. It’s something you do for yourself. It’s saying, ‘You’re not important enough to have a stranglehold on me.’ It’s saying, ‘You don’t get to trap me in the past. I am worthy of a future.’ – Jodi Picoult.
One of my clients was very stressed out for months. So, she started getting counselling. When she told me what happened to her in the past and how she felt her family wronged her in the most difficult time of her life. I asked her if forgiveness or forgiving them could help her. She thought it could help and asked me how to do it and why it was important. So, I told her in the most basic terms that forgiveness meant letting go of negative feelings and the desire to go after those who harmed her. Forgiveness helps you let go of self-pity, internal bitterness, or resentment over a past experience.
A lot of people believe that forgiveness is done for the other person (the offender). This is a wrong concept because forgiveness should be done for your own welfare and nothing more. If forgiving someone will help in improving your mental and physical health, then you should do it. When you remember a wound or a hurt that you haven’t resolved in your heart or mind, that memory triggers stress chemicals which will, in turn, trigger physical distress. If you remember a bad memory often, it means that you are stressing your body chronically, which has a physical cost.
I told her that although forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to reconcile with the person or persons who hurt you, it’s particularly needed in relationships you want to keep. Our culture and society have made us believe that forgiveness is meant for relationships you don’t want to keep, whereas the real need for forgiveness is in families, marriages, business relationships, and between siblings.
We talked at length about the concept of forgiveness, what it is, what it isn’t, whether it’s needed for healing or not, how to forgive, and even how to seek forgiveness from those you may have hurt. Continue reading to learn more about forgiveness and how it can help you live a better life (both mentally and physically).
What is the Meaning of Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools available to us as human beings. We often think of forgiveness as something we give to others, but it’s actually something we need to forgive ourselves for.
In some ways, talking about what forgiveness doesn’t help you understand it better. Forgiveness does not imply that you accept what the other person did or that it is acceptable for them to do it again. It does not imply that we should deny our own feelings of hurt or that there should be no consequences for the offender. Forgiveness does not imply forgetting what happened or reconciling with the offender.
So then, what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is defined by psychologists as a deliberate, conscious decision to release feelings of hurt and anger, resentment, or vengeance toward one person or people who have harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness or not. It means to heal and move on with your life without wasting too much mental or emotional energy on anger, hurt, or unproductive rumination.
Forgiveness can help repair broken relationships, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you must reconcile with the person or persons who hurt you or release them from legal responsibility. And in some cases, forgiveness can even lead to feelings of empathy, understanding, and compassion for the person who has hurt you.
However, while you may be generous in your ability to forgive people, you may be much harsher (or harder) on yourself. In this sense, forgiveness is as much (if not more) for us as it is for the other person or persons.
Forgiveness brings peace of mind to the forgiver and frees them from corrosive anger. While there is debate over whether true forgiveness necessitates positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it does at least necessitate the release of deeply held negative feelings. This way, it enables you to recognize your pain without allowing it to define you, allowing you to heal and go on with your life.
While the research focused on individual forgiveness of others is still early, new research areas are beginning to investigate the psychological benefits of forgiveness, mental health benefits of forgiveness, and self-forgiveness.
Is Forgiveness Necessary for Healing?
It’s no longer a secret; it’s now known that forgiveness is necessary to heal from emotional wounds and injuries caused by others. But what is true forgiveness, and how do we practice it, especially when we are still hurting?
Many of us believe forgiveness is a feeling, whereas it is not. Even though we will notice an emotional change after forgiving someone, our emotions are still not an indicator of forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of will. It is the conscious decision to let go of the hurt, offence, or injury. When we forgive someone, we release them from any need we had for vengeance.
Forgiveness does not absolve someone of responsibility for their actions. For example, a drunk driver who kills someone in a car accident may receive forgiveness from the deceased’s family, but they must still pay legally for what they did. We choose not to hold it against them when we forgive, but more importantly, we free ourselves from the bitterness and hatred that unforgiveness produces. Unforgiveness, it’s been said, is like taking in poison and expecting the person you hold a grudge against to die. In the end, the only person who suffers is you.
Also, forgiveness is good for your physical and mental health. For example, Dr. Dabney Ewin, a burn surgeon, discovered a trick in the 1970s. He began to notice that burn patients arriving in his emergency room brought with them a different kind of heat: the fire of their rage at themselves or whoever caused the accident. Ewin soon discovered that encouraging his patients to let go of their anger and focus their energies on healing helped them recover faster—indicating a relationship between forgiveness and healing.
While Ewin’s experiments with the healing powers of forgiveness were unscientific, numerous studies have discovered a link between the act of forgiveness and improved mental and physical health. Forgiveness for past trauma reduces stress, improves emotional well-being, and lowers patients’ heart and blood pressure. In fact, one study discovered that refusing to accept unconditional forgiveness is associated with mortality. Meaning that forgiveness can save a person’s life.
So, do you need forgiveness for self-healing? The answer is Yes. However, some people believe that you don’t necessarily have to forgive the offender for finding peace or healing. Whether they are right or wrong, the choice is yours to make. If you have tried being unforgiving and it’s not working, then it’s probably time you tried something new — forgiveness.
How Often Should We Forgive Others?
Remember that forgiveness doesn’t have to do with the other person. It has to do with you. Holding a grudge against someone can be demanding as it eats away your strength, joy, happiness, and even peace. So, to continue enjoying all those qualities, you must forgive others as much as possible.
Also, remember that forgiveness doesn’t always have to come with reconciliation. There’s forgiveness without reconciliation—so you don’t necessarily have to be all chummy with the person who wronged you. Still, you can be the better person and forgive them, and if you don’t want to do it for the offender, then do it for yourself as many times as possible to maintain and improve your physical and mental health.
How to Forgive Someone Who Wronged You?
Do you have someone you’d like to forgive but don’t know how to do it because the rage you feel inside you won’t let you? If there’s someone like that, then in this section, you’ll find the steps to forgiveness and healing.
Decide to forgive and become the bigger person.
When you’ve been hurt, it’s tempting to place all of the blame on the so-called offender and think, I’m not going to reach out unless they do.
However, this mindset can backfire because it places your ability to heal in someone else’s hands. Being the bigger person places you in a position of power. Yes, they hurt you, but you have the right to move on whether or not they are game.
Also, know that forgiveness can’t be forced. You’ll have to choose when you will be prepared to accept what happened to you, acknowledge your feelings, and let go.
Think about what you want.
Do you want to be friends (reconcile) with the person who offended you? Or you just want to get rid of the bad feeling you harbour? However, this won’t necessarily impact how you are going to move forward, but keeping a goal in mind will help ensure that you don’t lose track of what you are after.
If you are struggling with forgiving or your emotions towards the offender, reminding yourself of your end goal can help ease those feelings.
Objectively look at both perspectives.
When you’re hurt, it’s easy to over-personalize a situation (for example, your cousin was curt with you because she’s still upset about an old argument rather than because she was in a hurry or having a bad day). When attempting to forgive, experts frequently advise viewing a situation objectively by writing it out from a third-party perspective.
For example, instead of reliving the pain (“Kristin was so impolite to me, which made me even more enraged at her than I was before”), report what occurred from a third perspective (“What Kristin said was insensitive and demeaning, and Lauren responded with anger”).
Separating yourself from the situation can help you keep your emotions in check. It may even provide a new perspective on the situation, which will, in turn, assist you in coming to terms with it.
Find sympathy or empathy.
You can try viewing your story from someone else’s side. For example, if your partner brushed over something extremely important to you, try to imagine what factors contributed to this (maybe they were in the middle of a few things, or they had a super long day).
Understanding someone’s perspective allows you to replace negative, unforgiving emotions (bitterness and hostility) with positive emotions (like compassion and empathy).
If you can’t empathize with the offender, try sympathizing by remembering a time when you, too, were forgiven for something. Again, your brain has limited space, so choosing positive emotions will take up space and leave less room for negative emotions, allowing you to feel more liberated.
Don’t tell or do tell.
It’s understandable for anyone to want to tell someone you’ve forgiven them. However, keep in mind that when you say, “I forgive you,” you are implying that they have wronged you. You may offend them if they don’t understand (“Forgive me? For what?”) and expose yourself to hurt further.
As a result, forgiveness should only be extended to someone after they have confessed, apologized, want to make amends, or at least accepted responsibility for hurting you. If you should decide to have a conversation, try using the ‘I’ language instead of the ‘you’ language (‘I felt X’).
Otherwise, keep in mind that forgiveness is an internal and personal process, so there’s no need to inform the person that you’ve forgiven them, especially if you’ve cut off contact for your own good. You’ve already forgiven them if you’ve let go of the anger, pain, and hurt that was once weighing you down.
How Do I Know If I’m Ready to Forgive?
It’s not easy to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes. We often feel guilty and ashamed because we think we deserve punishment. However, there’s no reason to punish ourselves. Instead, we should learn how to forgive ourselves so that we can move forward with our lives.
Steps to Ask for Forgiveness if You Wronged Someone
The steps you have learned above are effective in situations where you have been wronged. So, let’s add a little twist: what if you wronged someone and you need their forgiveness? How do you go about asking for forgiveness? In this section, you’ll learn steps for seeking forgiveness if you have wronged someone.
Acknowledge that you have wronged the person.
You must first understand that you cannot demand or command forgiveness. It is the other person’s choice. However, the way you apologize when you want to be forgiven makes a big difference.
Accept your failure. Begin by admitting your fault. Your confession gives the other person hope that you will not repeat the same mistake. Then you can ask for forgiveness honestly.
Explain what went wrong and take responsibility.
Your actions must have been motivated by something. Why did you behave in that manner? It is important to reveal the motivation. The most important thing here is to be truthful. Don’t make any excuses. Accept full responsibility for your actions but explain why you did them.
Be genuine and truly repent.
When you hurt a person with your actions, they experience an emotional rollercoaster. Perhaps you wronged your partner. It could be your parent. Maybe it was someone who had a lot of faith in you. This person, whoever they are, cannot be unaffected by your actions.
To beg their forgiveness, you must demonstrate that you truly regret what you did. Recognize why they are upset and how you made them feel. When you show such empathy, this person will realize you care about their feelings. Of course, you must be truthful. Never pretend to be sympathetic! The majority of people can see right through that act.
Tell them you’ll fix things—and follow through.
Once you’ve demonstrated that you understand your error, explained why you did it, and stated that you understand how it made the other person feel, it’s now time to look into the future. What will you do now? How will you avoid similar occurrences in the future? You must guarantee that you will not act in the same manner again. And you will also have to stay true to that promise.
Allow them to be angry.
If you think it’s difficult to ask for forgiveness, think again. It’s even more difficult to forgive than to ask for forgiveness. When people are deeply hurt, it is difficult for them to act as if nothing happened. It’s partly ego, but it’s also a lack of trust. If this person trusts you and you do not respect their trust, they will be reminded of that moment every time they look at you.
Allow them to express their feelings. Maybe they won’t forgive you right now. Accept it. Make an honest apology, and then let them decide. Although this step does not guarantee forgiveness, it does make you a better person.
When asking for forgiveness, be patient. If the wound is severe, it will take some time to heal. The individual may not be ready to make peace with you just yet. However, if your apology is genuine and respectful, you’ve taken the first step toward re-establishing communication.
Takeaway
Forgiving someone who has wronged you deeply isn’t easy, but you must do it if you care about your mental and physical well-being.
Remember, unforgiveness is a one-way street, and when you hold a grudge against someone, you are giving them the power (or authority) to control your emotions even when they are not in physical contact with you. Forgiving them frees you from all that pain and weight you have been carrying.
Reference
https://psychcentral.com/health/healing-quotes-on-self-forgiveness#tips
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-forgive-yourself-4583819
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
https://news.christianacare.org/2012/10/the-healing-power-of-forgiveness/
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/do-you-have-to-forgive-to-move-on/
https://stanfordmag.org/contents/8-tips-for-forgiving-someone-who-hurt-you
https://www.prevention.com/life/a29995725/how-to-forgive-someone/
