The Lingering Impact of Childhood Wounds
As a trauma therapist specialising in childhood hurt and pain, it is clear to me that many adult interactions are influenced by the deeply held beliefs and emotional wounds clients bring from their early years. When working with individuals and couples, I regularly witness how these unresolved hurts often lead to strong emotional responses—such as anger, defensiveness, or sadness—even in situations that may seem minor to others. These reactions are not simply outbursts; they are echoes of past pain surfacing in the present. The triggers may be small—a passing comment, a missed expectation—but the emotional intensity reveals an old narrative that is still searching for resolution.
Opening Up: My Childhood Story
I was born in 1969. Looking back, I realise my beliefs about myself started forming surprisingly early—by the age of three, I’d already sensed I wasn’t as important as my cousin. Family comparison was my backdrop. I absorbed the message: I had to do more or be better to matter, and even then, I might not measure up.
When my parents divorced—a rarity and huge stigma in the 80s—I felt my world shake. School was tough, with teasing and whispers because my family “was different.” Those years made me feel small, with a quiet fear that I didn’t count as much. Many times I was told, “I am not visible even in a group, as I do not exist.”
How These Early Hurts Shaped My Life
Being compared and feeling “less than” became a constant tune in my head. Even as an adult, I found myself doubting my worth. If someone criticised me or showed disappointment—even a friend or partner—I would shrink inside. My automatic response: What did I do wrong? How can I become lovable, chosen?
I realised these wounds shaped my relationships:
- Seeking approval and validation, afraid to exist “as I am.”
- Shutting down or over-reacting during conflicts, because criticism felt like old echoes.
- Feeling lost in relationships, sometimes anxious, sometimes desperate to be “good enough”.
Patterns that persist: How trauma shows up
Research confirms that survivors of childhood trauma are more likely to experience challenges in adult relationships, including emotional dysregulation, insecure attachments, and frequent conflict. Strong reactions, such as anger, sadness, or defensiveness, can arise from minor triggers, and partners may feel confused or hurt when emotional intensity seems disproportionate to the situation. In my own life, these patterns didn’t just remain theoretical—they became real and tangible. Even with a supportive husband, I sometimes found myself triggered by minor disagreements or casual remarks, responding with anger or defensiveness that was out of proportion to the situation. I recognised these reactions stemmed from deep-seated insecurity and old narratives of feeling less critical, rooted in my early years after my parents’ divorce. The emotional intensity left both of us confused, echoing the research that shows heightened conflict and misunderstanding are common for those with childhood trauma backgrounds. As a parent, the cycle continued—my children witnessed those bursts of frustration, and I wrestled with guilt and a determination to break the pattern. These experiences remind me daily that healing is an ongoing process and that every step towards awareness and compassion transforms how I relate to myself and my family.
My Path Towards Healing
The actual turning point in my healing began after I got married. My husband, though imperfect like all of us, offered unwavering support. Yes, we disagreed and had our moments, but for the first time, I felt truly listened to—and valued for who I was, not for how I compared to anyone else. This sense of security allowed me to gradually come out of my shell and build genuine, healthy friendships, where I didn’t have to hustle for acceptance or hide my authentic self. It’s only after experiencing this comfort and genuine acceptance that I ventured into therapy. By the time I began formal healing, I understood that relationships could be safe and supportive, rather than battlegrounds for validation. Therapy helped me illuminate old patterns and beliefs, but it was unconditional support that set my healing journey in motion.
Naming these early beliefs—like “I am not enough”—was the start of change. Instead of running from old hurts, I began facing them. Sometimes this meant opening up in therapy; other times it was confiding in loving friends. There are still days when comparisons try to creep back in. I have learnt to pause, remind myself I am enough, and practice consistent self-compassion.
Healing means:
- Allowing myself to feel and express anger, sadness, or fear, rather than bottling them up.
- Leaning into genuine, safe relationships where I don’t have to earn my place.
- Breaking free from the script of “less important,” and replacing it with self-acceptance.
Healing Through Therapy: Making Change Possible
Healing is possible. Through therapy, clients (and I) learn to recognise these patterns, regulate emotions, and form healthier relationships based on trust and compassion. Research shows that trauma-informed approaches help people develop emotional awareness and connection, breaking the cycle of intergenerational pain.
A Hopeful Future: Breaking the Cycle
Childhood wounds shape us, but they do not define us for life. With self-awareness, therapeutic support, and compassion, it’s possible to rewrite our emotional narratives—to shift from pain and reactivity to connection and understanding. The journey is ongoing, but every step taken toward healing ripples out, transforming lives and relationships for generations to come.
